Samual is two!

     On Friday Samual turned two years old! Man oh man he's growing before our very eyes! On Saturday we had his second birthday party. I tried to keep it as sensory friendly as possible and I think it turned out quite well. Now I'll leave you with some photos for your viewing pleasure.

His first car! This gift was from his Nani, Papi, Uncle Andy and Aunt Mandy and was surely bought just to make me feel older. (kidding..maybe)

The pumpkin painting went a lot better than I had suspected. 

 Every time I turned around he had candy. At least he did alright with it.

He ate with a fork! This is one proud mama!

 The pinata scared him. I didn't expect that at all considering he loved it at home.

All the kids together with their pumpkins. It was an awesome time despite the cold. 

almost 2!

     I cannot even believe it! In less than a week my sensational little guy is going to be two! TWO!!!

     I keep thinking back to when he was first born and all the crazy that went on back then. I think about my pregnancy and how Samual was unlikely to make it at one point, how my body was fighting against him. I can't help but think about how there was a time that I wasn't sure my little baby would be here today. Here we are two year later and my little guy is here and so very very awesome.

     I look at him and cant help but think "its all worth it". He really is the light of my life and despite everything we've been through with his dad, moving away from family, meeting Jd, Samual's diagnosis and just getting through it all together, I know I have the best son ever. My life has truly been better because my life has been blessed with his life. Every meltdown and battle and every bit of craziness that goes on in our home is totally worth it.

     We are throwing him a birthday party the day after his birthday. I have planned out every detail to try to make it easier on him. We are having the party in a park to help with his issues of being around too many people in too small of a space. Being outside will also help Samual be able to walk away if he's too overwhelmed. We are also having games that Samual will enjoy as they use a lot of visual and touch activities. Jd and I are going to get Samual a sweater he has been wanting that is soft and large to help with his clothing issues. We are also getting him large puzzle pieces as per Samual's speech therapists suggestions. We are trying not to overwhelm him with too many new things as he is not one to enjoy a lot of new toys. He's very happy playing with the few things he does have.

     Honestly this whole birthday thing is overwhelming me, trying to make everything perfect for Samual. We are trying very hard to make it all work and still learning all of his sensory triggers and we are not perfect but we are going to give it our all and hope it all works out.

Until next time,

Kisses are the new hugs

     Over the last several months, a number of things have happened. I have changed my way of thinking and the way that I am dealing with all the changes. Samual has adapted more and more as I have made changes to help him cope better with our daily life and I honestly feel that finally understanding him is truly bringing us closer.

     Sometime around three weeks ago I was sitting on the couch watching a movie while Samual sat on the couch next to me. I see him struggling to get off the couch and run into his room. Seconds later Samual jumps on my lap laughing hysterically. He proceeds to climb on me and put his legs over my lap and grabs each side of my cheek and pulls my face into his. At first I thought he'd surely lost his mind as he rarely gets this close to anyone and he was still laughing hysterically. Suddenly he stops laughing and smacks his face into mine and begins to make a humming sound followed by pulling his face away again to laugh some more.

     Honestly, it took me a little longer than it should have to figure out what had possessed my son to do such an out of character thing. After the second time of doing his strange motions I realized he was giving me a kiss. I even began to chuckle a little as my silly boy was grabbing my face and pulling it to his again. As he gets closer, I hum as he does and then let out a rather loud "MUAH!" I seriously thought he was going to fall off of my lap as he threw himself backwards and laughed harder than I'd seen him laugh in ages. We continued this pattern 3 or 4 times more before he got bored and jumped off my lap to play in his room.

     Over the last several weeks hes begun to give kisses often, even kissing the neighbor girl at one point. Which I'm sure you can imagine I was mortified and laughing at the same time. My son the anti-cuddler has learned to kiss and he thinks he's so clever when he does it. Little does he know, it is the best thing ever for his mamma. I finally have a second of closeness with my son and he's initiated it.

Until next time,

Parking it!

     So today, Samual and I decided to go out and have fun. First we dropped off Jd at work and there we learned about kindness. We handed out doughnuts to Walmart associates which Sami loved. I didn't get any pictures but his face was stuck kinda like this the whole time.

     After we learned about kindness, we grabbed some lunch and headed to the playground. We played with the spinning blocks and ran around like maniacs. It was a blast. Samual only hit twice the whole day and both times were at the first playground. We talked it out both times and he got comfortable enough to play without getting angry.

     After playing for a bit we headed to the car to get the stroller and eat our lunch. It was great to spend some time just sitting and enjoying each others company. After we ate, we headed for a walk to learn about nature stuff like feathers, squirrels, trees and nuts.

     The nature walk finished after about 2 miles and we drove to the next park. At the second playground Samual did not have as much fun because the other kids ignored him, much like the first playground as well as the toys at this playground were not suited as well for his age. We started to get a little heated so after the second playground we got some drinks from QuickTrip and stopped at WalMart to cool down and look for shoes.

     About an hour before we had to pick up Jd from work we went to the third and final playground. This playground has always been a fan favorite in our house and Samual had a blast. The kids at this playground played with him and one little boy chased him around growling at him, which of course made Samual a very happy camper.

     The exit from the last playground was less than a happy one but we got through it and Samual was okay in the end, he even fell asleep about 15 minutes later with his hand in the chicken cup :).

Rough

     Bad days happen in this house. In fact they happen fairly often. We have good days too but today I am going to talk about bad days, not because I want to focus on it but because I need to let it out.

     The past two days have been bad days. I mean the kind of days where pulling out my hair isn't even enough. These past two days have been super hard and I can't even begin to say how much I have cried or just sat on the couch staring at the wall for a minute. Its days like this that I pray the most. I cry and I pray.

     Bad days are the days when I ask God why. I ask God why me, why my child? I wonder on these days why in the world did this have to happen to us. Honestly its days like this that I spend moments pitying myself and before you judge me let me finish.

     Having a child with an invisible illness or "special needs" is a journey in self discovery if there ever was one. Its a discovery in figuring out how strong you are and who you truly are in times of rough patches. Times like this can make or break your marriage, they can show you who your true friends are and show you how much your family truly supports you. Times like this can make or break a persons religious beliefs and bring out the best and worst of a person.

     Lately in my prayers I have been sad I guess, wondering what this all means and whats next. I haven't heard a whole lot of answers like what to do but I have heard one phrase over and over again. "I got this." I think sometimes when things are going well we forget that God has got this. He has us in his hands and it's going to be okay. Nothing stays awful forever and life goes on no matter what the circumstances.

     I guess what I am trying to say is bad days happen, they happen a lot. It sucks when they do and because I'm human, I cry and sometimes I scream and sometimes I do nothing at all but I handle them the best I am equipped to handle them. I just pray that tomorrow will be better and I will be more equipped tomorrow to handle tomorrow.

Peace and Love,
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v330/Jacque05/jacquie_zps26b415f7.jpg">

Mommys little helper

     I am sitting here enjoying some of the most tasty left overs ever and I realized I haven't yet posted about Sunday. I love Sundays. If Jd is not working we go to church and if he is Samual and I usually enjoy some quiet time at home making dinner and watching movies. However this Sunday we had to take Jd to work, grocery shop, cook dinner and attempt cleaning.

     After running Jd to work and grocery shopping the last thing I wanted to do was cook dinner, in fact I wanted to rest but laundry needed to be done and dinner doesn't cook itself, at least not in this house it doesn't. When Samual and I got home from the store Samual was asleep so I quietly took him to his bed, put away the groceries and threw some food into the crock pot.

     After Samual woke up it was time to turn around and head back to the store. We grabbed a couple more items and picked up Jd. When we got home the crock pot needed stirring so Samual jumped at the opportunity to help.

     When it came time to squeeze the Lime for the cilantro lime rice, I did not have a hard time finding a helper for that either.

     He had a hard time with the squeezing motion but he loved watching the lime juice fall into the bowl. He even helped me pour the lime concoction into the rice.

     It was so awesome to see him getting involved in tasks and having so much fun. While I don't think he understands the concept of "helping" just yet, I do think he is loving being with Jd and I while we are doing these tasks.

     After he wakes up from his nap were going to work on cleaning the living room and his room. I am still trying to come up with ways to make that fun for him but so far its been a bit of a fight. I'll be posting about this in the next couple days with pictures.

     I have been doing some research in the last couple days about how to make his room a little more therapeutic and easier to clean/more organized. I have been looking into toys and activities that will help stimulate him a little and ways to make his room a little more calming. Once I start this process I will be posting pictures of what we come up with.

Peace and Love,
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v330/Jacque05/jacquie_zps26b415f7.jpg">

the story and the plan

    Around the time that Samual was about 9 or 10 months old I began to notice some changes in his behavior. He began to be less interested in playing with others and became very focused on being alone. He also around this time began to pull away from others physically. While I noticed these things I put them out of my mind and convinced myself everything was fine. Around a year old he started to become physically harmful to himself and others. He would run into the wall at FULL speed and hit the wall hard enough to leave bumps on his head and would bite constantly as well as hit himself and others. I brought up my concerns with the doctor who told me not to worry and it would be fine.

      When Sami was about 18 months old we found a new doctor for Samual who would be a little more attentive to him and hopefully have the "bed side manner" that the other doctor did not have. We told the doctor of our concerns with Samual's behavior but also the fact that he wasn't speaking any words other than "dada" and would not call me mama nor would he say it more than once or twice a week. The doctor gave us a referral to a speech therapist as well as telling us where we could look into behavioral therapy. However she advised us to speak with the speech therapist before we looked into behavioral therapy because Samual's behavior was possibly stemming from his inability to communicate or associate words.

     After a 2 month wait we finally went to Samual's intake appointment with the speech therapist. After our 2 hour appointment with the therapist she gave us a preliminary diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder. She told us that Samual would benefit from speech and occupational therapies and that in 2 weeks she would give us a confirmed diagnosis and plan. I thanked her, asked almost no questions and as calmly as I could made his next appointment and left. We got Samual into the car and I drove straight to Samual's dads work. I was crying and ran straight to him to give him the news. I don't often cry or hug Justin but in that moment I did.

     At the next appointment the diagnosis was confirmed and we were given his full assessment in detail. He was behind in everything on the list. Essentially he was functioning well below the level of a "normal" 20 month old toddler.

     The plan is to put him in intense speech and occupational therapies at first. However due to insurance issues we are having to jump through hoops to get things rolling. On Friday I got a call from the therapy office informing me that Samual was denied through his insurance company for his therapy all due to the insurance company "having the birthday listed incorrectly." On Monday I have to call the insurance company and try my best to sort it all out.

     Our first appointment for the occupational therapist is on September 4th. On that day we will do the intake with the OT and set a plan for Samual which could include any number of factors. We are also going to look into putting Samual on a diet that could help him. In my research I have found that certain foods affect children differently. By limiting certain foods and cutting out other foods we can greatly reduce Samual's outbursts and some of the upsets he has. We shall see what helps but whatever the case we are going to make it work.

Peace and Love,
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v330/Jacque05/jacquie_zps26b415f7.jpg">

Fun in public

      Apparently it is custom in Oklahoma to renew ones drivers license every few years and it just so happens that Jd had to renew his on Tuesday, however we were aiming to run all the errands in one day which just so happened to be today. After a quick fight with Samual over his drink cup and cleaning the sticky mess off half of his body, into the tax agency we go.

     As usual Samual only tolerated about 30 seconds of being stuck in a building being held and the screaming began. The line wasn't long so I decided to take Samual to a store next door so I could pick up a few items. I was hoping Samual would handle the store fairly well as they had a long aisle of toys and he had his pick, however he wasn't having it, so halfway to the toy aisle we turned around and headed back to see how much longer Jd would be.

     When we arrived at the tag agency again, Jd was almost finished and I decided it would be best for Samual and I to wait with him to avoid the heat outside. Jd and I took seats on a bench where a woman probably in her 50's sat. Samual stood in front of us and the usual problems began. First it was the crying which I tried to calm by letting him sit on my lap. today has not been a very physical day for Samual so he fought his way out of my arms and threw himself on the floor with a high pitched scream. I sat him up and off he went to lay on the floor elsewhere. Normally I would just take Samual out of the situation but with the heat and only needing to be there 3 or 4 more minutes I chose to endure it. I had hoped that others would understand, however the elderly lady did not. First she started sighing loudly, then came the very loud "Jesus Christ" after one of Samual's screams. I leaned over to Jd, made a comment about bail money and laughed it off best I could.

     We were able to calm Samual down momentarily before another fit came on and the woman began to make comments mostly about Samual's being an unruly child and something about my ability to parent. After a couple more comments the woman sighed loudly again and walked across the room. She started making comments even louder than before and sat next to a little girl who was probably about 5 or 6 sitting with her mother. The woman leans over to her and says "aren't you such a well behaved little girl, not like that little brat whose parents don't know how to control him." (This is the point where steam started coming out of my ears and my eyes turned blood shot red.)

     Without saying a word to Jd, I scooped up Samual and started to make a bee line for the door as not to make a scene and right as I walked past her, yet another comment came out of her mouth. I had planned kind words to say about how my child has special needs and she needed to know the situation before making a scene, however what came out of my mouth was actually a series of F-bombs, shut up and I do believe I called her a bitch. Well it was more like a yelling than a speaking but I lost it.

     I took Samual to the car and set him in the back seat. I apologized for my behavior and told him how very much I love him. I explained to him that some people don't know the whole story and therefore some times act inappropriately. After about a minute Jd joined us at the car and we were able to run the rest of our errands as a family.

     Todays incident is the first one that went beyond a glare or passing comment. today was the first time that I realized how Samual appears to others. I know many people see Samual as an unruly toddler who "needs a good spanking" but I guess I never knew the extent of how very little others understand. Samual is not an unruly little toddler and honestly I don't believe in spanking my son and even if I did it wouldn't effect him.

     My heart really broke today for my son. I have had such a hard time coping with his diagnosis since we received it in June and just when I was starting to feel better, today happened. I know I can't educate every person we come across and even if I could, a large number of people have opinions that are less than positive. I simply wish I could learn to cope with the attitude of others and know how to help my son in these situations.

     We are in for a very long journey that has hardly begun. This blog is going to be my place to lay it all out, good bad and ugly. It's not all going to be good or bad but I really need to speak out and who knows, maybe writing it all down will help us down the road.


Peace and Love,